Remember that one time?

Hi, Dad.

Remember when you were
Remember when you did
Remember when you said
Remember when you looked at
Remember that one time you
Remember when we
Remember that one time I

I hate to say this, and I don't want to say this, but I have to. The pain is fading. And with it, you. I still think about you every day. Sometimes every minute. But, it's more like I'm thinking about a TV show I've seen, or a song I've heard on the radio. Or a dream I've had. Nothing in the world, short of losing you, pains me as much as admitting that. It's not okay. Not with me, and not with the world.

I don't dream about you any more. I think that's part of the problem. Your memory isn't fresh in my mind anymore. I can only replay things from the past. Ron says it's okay. He says the human mind and heart can't live with that pain forever. We aren't designed, as humans, to live with that kind of pain, so it lessens. It fades a little, gets a little lighter.

I can't stand the guilt of that, though. Every minute of my pain was a grappling hook to you. I was connected to you still through the tears and heartbreak. Every stab through my heart was a reminder of you. When you said, when you did, when we...

I do find the good memories now, though. And the good are not painful to think about. After you first died, I couldn't even think of you for more than about 3 seconds before I would start dying myself. But now that the pain is moving aside a little, I can remember you. I guess that's the only good thing to come out of this. I'm still shocked by the sadness I still feel sometimes. It's been almost three years, and some days it seems like three minutes. I struggle with the lack of you. I have to keep stepping around that big, empty space that was your existence here. Your existence in my life and in this world.

When I meet you again, it will all come flooding back and it will seem like not even a minute has passed since we last met. But right now it feels like it's been three years since we talked. That's not okay with me or the world. Please visit me tonight in my dreams, dad. Please talk to me and tell me it's all okay. Please make me laugh like you did in a dream I had once, where I woke myself up I was laughing so hard. Please sit with me for awhile. Make things better for a little bit. For me and this world.