Leavin' On A Jet Plane
In a couple of weeks, my husband and I are flying to Chicago to see a Bears game. We're flying out on a Saturday and will return on the Monday after the game. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I've had a premonition or a bad feeling or any other kind of juju stuff, because I would be lying. I am, however, NOT pretending by being a practical person.
It's time for us to determine what will happen to our daughter if something happens to both of us. God, I've agonized over this for so long...But, legally, it's time to make arrangements, should something (God forbid) happen to both of us. I was totally lost after my dad died, and I was 31 years old! Can you imagine something like that happenening to a child? God, I don't even like to think about it!
But, my practicality has won. Nobody likes to think of their own demise. I'm no exception. But, I have learned the hard lesson of being prepared and what happens when a person isn't. I won't fall into that category. I refuse.
I have no doubt in my mind that there would be a few takers for our daughter. I have had several people, when I brought the subject up, volunteer. My worry is that enough people would vie for her that there would be a fight or a custody battle, or something that would offer her no stability in a time when she would need it most.
There are a few of possibilities. I wouldn't mind my in-laws raising her, but seeing how they are in their late 70's, it would not be possible. I would like my aunt Terri to raise her, but her kids are all grown and she is partially raising her 9 month old grandson. I wouldn't mind my other sister in law, but she's a single woman with a demanding job, a leisure travel schedule, and a 15 year old son. My sister is a single parent of a 5 year old boy, and she works constantly just to support him. I am the oldest grandchild on my side of the family, so there's not even really any other possibilities on that side.
I try to think, if something did happen, what household would be most like ours. Something that wouldn't take an enormous amount of getting used to (besides the obvious). Something that would offer stability and comfort and steadiness.
Enter my brother in law and sister in law. My husband's sister and his brother-in-law (her husband) are going to be our choices. First of all, and in no order, they are financially stable. He is a doctor, she is a stay-at-home mom to their nine year old adopted daughter. She is also a pediatric critical care nurse and works part time at my brother in law's office as his nurse. They have a beautiful house here in Lincoln. They have a daughter close in age to our daughter, and I don't think it would be so much of a stretch for them to raise my daughter, too. It's not like it would be a 15 year age gap or anything. They go on family vacations and believe it or not, refuse to fly anywhere together all on the same plane, because they don't want something happening to the entire family. I used to think that sounded so crazy, but now I don't.
I don't know if it's because I've had experience with death or what, but it is very important to me to get this legalese taken care of. I have assigned my husband the task of bringing it up to his sister. I know she will have to check with her husband and I wouldn't want it any other way. I just don't trust my emotions to hold out if I had to be there to ask. It's hard to get the point across when you're sobbing like a baby. And, I have assigned him the task of also detecting any nuance in her expression, voice, body language, etc, that would make it seem she doesn't want this monumental decision on her shoulders. At the slightest sign of "I just don't know", I am out of there, making other arrangements. I don't want to go to my grave thinking that the care of my only child was an imposition on someone. I would have to come back and haunt!
I feel like I'm stuck in a hard place here. I know all my aunts had provisions made, in case they left minor children behind. But, the benefit they had was that all the sisters were so close in age as to not have it be weird to take on another child. After seeing how my grandparents' lives were changed after agreeing to raise me, I cannot in all good conscience, wish a huge age gap on someone else. I KNOW all my aunts/uncles would jump at the chance to raise my daughter if something happened to us, but in the sound interest of their own sanity, I cannot allow it. Not when I have time to make sure that custody wouldn't be a surprise emergency.
Do I have doubts? Sure. I worry. I worry that a family (no matter who it is) would find it hard pressed to include another family member into their fold overnight. I worry that someone wouldn't warm up to our daughter as their own child. I worry our daughter would become a modern day Cinderella, forced to do chores for bread and water. I worry mostly about someone not treating her as their own. I don't worry about these things for any particular reason, mind you, and definitely not towards a particular person. They are just worries that I'm sure EVERYONE making these arrangements has.
There are no guarantees. And, as a person who likes to have complete control over everything, that is hard on me. I want to know FOR SURE that things will all work out for the best, in case we'd have to use this provision. But, nobody can guarantee that. I am extreeeeeeemly comforted by the fact that my sister in law and my brother in law treat their own daughter like a princess. I don't have to stretch my imagination too far to think of them treating our daughter the same way. Plus, they've always wanted more kids, so HEY! Perfect chance!
And if they say no? Then they say no, and I'm glad I found out. I go to the next person on my list. Someone who I'm sure will offer our daughter stability and safety and love and the proper schooling. Clothing, a roof over her head, bread and water on the table, all those good things.
If something happens to my sister, I am designated as my nephew's guardian. I would raise him as my own. I guess that's all I ask. I don't need huge houses, trips to Disneyland, and a fairy-tale playroom. I need to know someone will treat my daughter as their own. I want her to be introduced as their daughter. I want them to be sure she knows us, even though we'd be gone. I'd want her to feel like she could ask about us, and look at our pictures, and also be part of us and the family we have, even while being part of a new one.
Okay, I'm totally depressing myself, so I need to quit blogging about this. I sometimes wish I weren't so God Damn practical. I guess not thinking about these things doesn't make them not happen, but Geez....It's hard to think about ! I'm sure the trip will go fine and we'll be back to our normal family life as soon as our plane lands in Omaha. But I will fly a little easier knowing that we took care of things. And, if I have to look down from Heaven, as my dad has said can be done, I will see our daughter in a fairy tale playroom, fitting in perfectly with her new family.
It's time for us to determine what will happen to our daughter if something happens to both of us. God, I've agonized over this for so long...But, legally, it's time to make arrangements, should something (God forbid) happen to both of us. I was totally lost after my dad died, and I was 31 years old! Can you imagine something like that happenening to a child? God, I don't even like to think about it!
But, my practicality has won. Nobody likes to think of their own demise. I'm no exception. But, I have learned the hard lesson of being prepared and what happens when a person isn't. I won't fall into that category. I refuse.
I have no doubt in my mind that there would be a few takers for our daughter. I have had several people, when I brought the subject up, volunteer. My worry is that enough people would vie for her that there would be a fight or a custody battle, or something that would offer her no stability in a time when she would need it most.
There are a few of possibilities. I wouldn't mind my in-laws raising her, but seeing how they are in their late 70's, it would not be possible. I would like my aunt Terri to raise her, but her kids are all grown and she is partially raising her 9 month old grandson. I wouldn't mind my other sister in law, but she's a single woman with a demanding job, a leisure travel schedule, and a 15 year old son. My sister is a single parent of a 5 year old boy, and she works constantly just to support him. I am the oldest grandchild on my side of the family, so there's not even really any other possibilities on that side.
I try to think, if something did happen, what household would be most like ours. Something that wouldn't take an enormous amount of getting used to (besides the obvious). Something that would offer stability and comfort and steadiness.
Enter my brother in law and sister in law. My husband's sister and his brother-in-law (her husband) are going to be our choices. First of all, and in no order, they are financially stable. He is a doctor, she is a stay-at-home mom to their nine year old adopted daughter. She is also a pediatric critical care nurse and works part time at my brother in law's office as his nurse. They have a beautiful house here in Lincoln. They have a daughter close in age to our daughter, and I don't think it would be so much of a stretch for them to raise my daughter, too. It's not like it would be a 15 year age gap or anything. They go on family vacations and believe it or not, refuse to fly anywhere together all on the same plane, because they don't want something happening to the entire family. I used to think that sounded so crazy, but now I don't.
I don't know if it's because I've had experience with death or what, but it is very important to me to get this legalese taken care of. I have assigned my husband the task of bringing it up to his sister. I know she will have to check with her husband and I wouldn't want it any other way. I just don't trust my emotions to hold out if I had to be there to ask. It's hard to get the point across when you're sobbing like a baby. And, I have assigned him the task of also detecting any nuance in her expression, voice, body language, etc, that would make it seem she doesn't want this monumental decision on her shoulders. At the slightest sign of "I just don't know", I am out of there, making other arrangements. I don't want to go to my grave thinking that the care of my only child was an imposition on someone. I would have to come back and haunt!
I feel like I'm stuck in a hard place here. I know all my aunts had provisions made, in case they left minor children behind. But, the benefit they had was that all the sisters were so close in age as to not have it be weird to take on another child. After seeing how my grandparents' lives were changed after agreeing to raise me, I cannot in all good conscience, wish a huge age gap on someone else. I KNOW all my aunts/uncles would jump at the chance to raise my daughter if something happened to us, but in the sound interest of their own sanity, I cannot allow it. Not when I have time to make sure that custody wouldn't be a surprise emergency.
Do I have doubts? Sure. I worry. I worry that a family (no matter who it is) would find it hard pressed to include another family member into their fold overnight. I worry that someone wouldn't warm up to our daughter as their own child. I worry our daughter would become a modern day Cinderella, forced to do chores for bread and water. I worry mostly about someone not treating her as their own. I don't worry about these things for any particular reason, mind you, and definitely not towards a particular person. They are just worries that I'm sure EVERYONE making these arrangements has.
There are no guarantees. And, as a person who likes to have complete control over everything, that is hard on me. I want to know FOR SURE that things will all work out for the best, in case we'd have to use this provision. But, nobody can guarantee that. I am extreeeeeeemly comforted by the fact that my sister in law and my brother in law treat their own daughter like a princess. I don't have to stretch my imagination too far to think of them treating our daughter the same way. Plus, they've always wanted more kids, so HEY! Perfect chance!
And if they say no? Then they say no, and I'm glad I found out. I go to the next person on my list. Someone who I'm sure will offer our daughter stability and safety and love and the proper schooling. Clothing, a roof over her head, bread and water on the table, all those good things.
If something happens to my sister, I am designated as my nephew's guardian. I would raise him as my own. I guess that's all I ask. I don't need huge houses, trips to Disneyland, and a fairy-tale playroom. I need to know someone will treat my daughter as their own. I want her to be introduced as their daughter. I want them to be sure she knows us, even though we'd be gone. I'd want her to feel like she could ask about us, and look at our pictures, and also be part of us and the family we have, even while being part of a new one.
Okay, I'm totally depressing myself, so I need to quit blogging about this. I sometimes wish I weren't so God Damn practical. I guess not thinking about these things doesn't make them not happen, but Geez....It's hard to think about ! I'm sure the trip will go fine and we'll be back to our normal family life as soon as our plane lands in Omaha. But I will fly a little easier knowing that we took care of things. And, if I have to look down from Heaven, as my dad has said can be done, I will see our daughter in a fairy tale playroom, fitting in perfectly with her new family.
posted by Nebraska Angie @ 12:41 AM
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