Alone Again, Naturally
I sit here, blogging and I don't know whether to be mad or sad. Part of me wants to cry, but part of me is just tired of it. I'm alone again...I have a husband who works nights and after 10 years, I'm just getting so tired of it. I have nobody to talk to most of the time. Well, except for my six year old daughter. I quietly go around the house, cleaning up, doing laundry, playing with her, reading books, playing on the computer, watching tv...When all I really want to do is have an adult conversation with my husband. Today, he had to go in early to cover a shift while everyone else served an arrest warrant. So, I exercised to Nip/Tuck and got madder and sadder.
The other sucky thing is that I love him more now than ever before, and every day I love him more, if that's possible. So where some people would say, "That's it. I'm going to get a divorce and find someone who will be able to spend time with me." , that's not an option for me. I'd never divorce him because, duh, I love him a lot. And, I know he loves me.
It might be easier if it were a co-dependency thing. You know, if I RELIED on him to make me who I am. But, that's not the case. I was on my own a long time before I met him, and I'm pretty sure I could do it again if I had to. But, I didn't necessarily sign up for this. Being alone four nights a week. Never being able to do anything because he has to get ready to leave for work by 8:15 p.m. Don't even get me started about the worries associated with his job. Am I being selfish? Hell yeah. I know I am. It's his living. I guess he could complain about me working days and never being home when he is. But, married life is so hard this way.
A few years ago, I had enough. I sat on the couch and cried and cried and cried about this plight. He told me he would find another job, if it meant me being happy. He would find something that was 9-5 so we could be together more. But, I can't allow that, either. He really likes his job. He's a supervisor, and he's worked really hard for that. I could never tell him, "Yeah. Great idea! Quit and get a normal job so we can spend some more time together. Maybe you can be stuck in a dead-end job like me!" It's a catch-22 for me, kinda. I would like to ask him to get a normal job so we can be together more, but then it shatters everything he's worked for in his career. How fair is that? So, I sit and sulk and get sad. It comes in waves. Some days it doesn't bother me at all, and some days it's all I can do to not just pack a suitcase and leave for awhile, just to get time to think about stuff. I can't force his hand in finding anything else. And, one time I told him that I resented that he lobbed that ball into my court. Why say, "If you want me to quit and find something 9-5, I will, if it means you being happy." Why not, "Hey, you're obviously miserable. I'm going to find a different job so we can spend more time together." It ends up being back on me. Which, I guess is fair since it's technically my problem.
I could go on and on, as I already have. I want to convey that there are some perks to this shift. He gets to spend more time with our kid, and he can take her to school and pick her up in the afternoons and be here for her until I get home. Our daycare is really limited since between the two of us, and with his days off, our daughter isn't in daycare a lot. Hardly at all during the school year, and just 3 days a week in the summer.
It's just a stupid dilemma and I don't know whether to shit or go blind. The problem is the helpless feeling of no control that I have. And, don't get me started on sleeping alone. I didn't get married to sleep alone. That part of it is ridiculous. Then, when he is home, I feel like I absolutely talk his ear off, because our time is so limited. Grrr!!! I can't take it anymore!!! I'm a selfish baby, and I know it. I just wanted the need to pout for a while.
The other sucky thing is that I love him more now than ever before, and every day I love him more, if that's possible. So where some people would say, "That's it. I'm going to get a divorce and find someone who will be able to spend time with me." , that's not an option for me. I'd never divorce him because, duh, I love him a lot. And, I know he loves me.
It might be easier if it were a co-dependency thing. You know, if I RELIED on him to make me who I am. But, that's not the case. I was on my own a long time before I met him, and I'm pretty sure I could do it again if I had to. But, I didn't necessarily sign up for this. Being alone four nights a week. Never being able to do anything because he has to get ready to leave for work by 8:15 p.m. Don't even get me started about the worries associated with his job. Am I being selfish? Hell yeah. I know I am. It's his living. I guess he could complain about me working days and never being home when he is. But, married life is so hard this way.
A few years ago, I had enough. I sat on the couch and cried and cried and cried about this plight. He told me he would find another job, if it meant me being happy. He would find something that was 9-5 so we could be together more. But, I can't allow that, either. He really likes his job. He's a supervisor, and he's worked really hard for that. I could never tell him, "Yeah. Great idea! Quit and get a normal job so we can spend some more time together. Maybe you can be stuck in a dead-end job like me!" It's a catch-22 for me, kinda. I would like to ask him to get a normal job so we can be together more, but then it shatters everything he's worked for in his career. How fair is that? So, I sit and sulk and get sad. It comes in waves. Some days it doesn't bother me at all, and some days it's all I can do to not just pack a suitcase and leave for awhile, just to get time to think about stuff. I can't force his hand in finding anything else. And, one time I told him that I resented that he lobbed that ball into my court. Why say, "If you want me to quit and find something 9-5, I will, if it means you being happy." Why not, "Hey, you're obviously miserable. I'm going to find a different job so we can spend more time together." It ends up being back on me. Which, I guess is fair since it's technically my problem.
I could go on and on, as I already have. I want to convey that there are some perks to this shift. He gets to spend more time with our kid, and he can take her to school and pick her up in the afternoons and be here for her until I get home. Our daycare is really limited since between the two of us, and with his days off, our daughter isn't in daycare a lot. Hardly at all during the school year, and just 3 days a week in the summer.
It's just a stupid dilemma and I don't know whether to shit or go blind. The problem is the helpless feeling of no control that I have. And, don't get me started on sleeping alone. I didn't get married to sleep alone. That part of it is ridiculous. Then, when he is home, I feel like I absolutely talk his ear off, because our time is so limited. Grrr!!! I can't take it anymore!!! I'm a selfish baby, and I know it. I just wanted the need to pout for a while.
posted by Nebraska Angie @ 7:42 PM
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