A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Insanity
Okay. Here's the deal. My mom is no housekeeper. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure the house she lives in right now (my dad's old house, legally my house) is about ready to be condemned as a health hazard. Think "How Clean Is Your House" in the devil's lair. My mom's house makes those houses look like hospitals.
Anyway, we were in my mom's bedroom, looking through this cedar chest thing that I wanted. Inside are heirlooms of my grandmother's. The typical fare. Pictures of people I don't know ("To Aunt Edna and Uncle Roy, Love Bernita. Class of 1963") A little glass flower basket decoration with "Edna" written on one side and "1924" written on the other. By the way, Edna is my paternal grandmother. This chest thingy also contains my dad's first pair of overalls, in a condition like they were just bought. His baby pictures. His first pair of shoes. All the cards he got when he was born, a year old, two years old, three years old...(What a scream!! One generous soul gave him a nickel for his birthday.) I digress. There are things laying around that I can't even identify. Things smooshed into the carpet. There are shredded newspapers and shredded boxes laying around. And when I say shredded, I don't mean in minor disarray. I mean shredded into dime-sized pieces. There are cigarette butts laying around. Amid the cigarette ashes. By the 9 year old phone books. Next to the magazines from '83. Around the spilled stuff. Close to the feet-smelling blanket that I think came over on the Mayflower.
I am disgusted by this point and kinda want to throw up in my mouth a little. The thought of actually having to LAY DOWN on that floor makes me kind of dizzy in an unpleasant sort of way. So I really start scaring myself...."What if I had to lay down on that floor??? And, and, and cover up with that blanket?? And, what if that cat pee smell actually killed me dead??? And, And, what if I had to take a bath in that TUB???" That's a whole other story.
So, there I am feeling sick about this health hazard I call my "summer home" and we decide to go into the bedroom because I want to salvage this cedar trunk while it's still alive. Mom decides it's a good idea to take everything out of the trunk first, because, you know, I should see it.
In there are these bizarre pictures of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington that my grandma "Edna, 1924" apparently got from a bank somewhere around the year 3. By this time my brother is in there and we are both laughing so hard, we're pretty much drooling. I said, "God, do you think someone GAVE these to grandma? Like for a birthday present or something?" My brother laughed and said he hoped not. I said, "Well, if someone would have given these to me back when they were presidential candidates, I would have said, 'Is this the best you can come up with?'" I thought my bro was going to pee himself. For some reason that struck him funny. Then...
My mom is bent over, rummaging through the cedar chest thingy. She's got it propped open while she's pulling out this god-awfully ugly set of dishes. I am still on the presidential pictures and my brother is muttering "is that the BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH?" I happen to glance over to my mom
just
as
the
lid
closed
on
her
head.
That's right. The lid closed on her head. She looked at me kinda surprised and said, "Well, what the hell?" I paused about 2 seconds and immediately burst into such laughter that I actually LAID DOWN ON THE FEET-SMELLING BLANKET. I had to. I was falling down from going boneless. Before you think I"m a total sadist, let me mention that she wasn't hurt. Not in the least bit. It shocked her more than anything, but the look on her face, accompanied by the "bonk" the lid made when it closed on her head was priceless! So, by this time I'm REALLY slobbering, and my brother is about having a seizure. He's still saying, "Is that the best you can come up with?" I am not breathing at this point. I finally catch my breath and tears are rolling down my face.
I don't even know why this struck me so funny. Maybe because she didn't get hurt. Maybe because of the look on her face. Maybe because of the state of the house. I just don't know. Maybe it was because I had just looked at pictures of my dad, back when he was healthy, and I was feeling missing. Maybe because she laughed, too. More probably at how hard I was laughing than anything. It was an emotional release and I needed it.
Love,
Angie
2005
Anyway, we were in my mom's bedroom, looking through this cedar chest thing that I wanted. Inside are heirlooms of my grandmother's. The typical fare. Pictures of people I don't know ("To Aunt Edna and Uncle Roy, Love Bernita. Class of 1963") A little glass flower basket decoration with "Edna" written on one side and "1924" written on the other. By the way, Edna is my paternal grandmother. This chest thingy also contains my dad's first pair of overalls, in a condition like they were just bought. His baby pictures. His first pair of shoes. All the cards he got when he was born, a year old, two years old, three years old...(What a scream!! One generous soul gave him a nickel for his birthday.) I digress. There are things laying around that I can't even identify. Things smooshed into the carpet. There are shredded newspapers and shredded boxes laying around. And when I say shredded, I don't mean in minor disarray. I mean shredded into dime-sized pieces. There are cigarette butts laying around. Amid the cigarette ashes. By the 9 year old phone books. Next to the magazines from '83. Around the spilled stuff. Close to the feet-smelling blanket that I think came over on the Mayflower.
I am disgusted by this point and kinda want to throw up in my mouth a little. The thought of actually having to LAY DOWN on that floor makes me kind of dizzy in an unpleasant sort of way. So I really start scaring myself...."What if I had to lay down on that floor??? And, and, and cover up with that blanket?? And, what if that cat pee smell actually killed me dead??? And, And, what if I had to take a bath in that TUB???" That's a whole other story.
So, there I am feeling sick about this health hazard I call my "summer home" and we decide to go into the bedroom because I want to salvage this cedar trunk while it's still alive. Mom decides it's a good idea to take everything out of the trunk first, because, you know, I should see it.
In there are these bizarre pictures of Abraham Lincoln and George Washington that my grandma "Edna, 1924" apparently got from a bank somewhere around the year 3. By this time my brother is in there and we are both laughing so hard, we're pretty much drooling. I said, "God, do you think someone GAVE these to grandma? Like for a birthday present or something?" My brother laughed and said he hoped not. I said, "Well, if someone would have given these to me back when they were presidential candidates, I would have said, 'Is this the best you can come up with?'" I thought my bro was going to pee himself. For some reason that struck him funny. Then...
My mom is bent over, rummaging through the cedar chest thingy. She's got it propped open while she's pulling out this god-awfully ugly set of dishes. I am still on the presidential pictures and my brother is muttering "is that the BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH?" I happen to glance over to my mom
just
as
the
lid
closed
on
her
head.
That's right. The lid closed on her head. She looked at me kinda surprised and said, "Well, what the hell?" I paused about 2 seconds and immediately burst into such laughter that I actually LAID DOWN ON THE FEET-SMELLING BLANKET. I had to. I was falling down from going boneless. Before you think I"m a total sadist, let me mention that she wasn't hurt. Not in the least bit. It shocked her more than anything, but the look on her face, accompanied by the "bonk" the lid made when it closed on her head was priceless! So, by this time I'm REALLY slobbering, and my brother is about having a seizure. He's still saying, "Is that the best you can come up with?" I am not breathing at this point. I finally catch my breath and tears are rolling down my face.
I don't even know why this struck me so funny. Maybe because she didn't get hurt. Maybe because of the look on her face. Maybe because of the state of the house. I just don't know. Maybe it was because I had just looked at pictures of my dad, back when he was healthy, and I was feeling missing. Maybe because she laughed, too. More probably at how hard I was laughing than anything. It was an emotional release and I needed it.
Love,
Angie
2005
posted by Nebraska Angie @ 7:41 PM
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