Gimme the number for the Poison Control Center.....

This place I work is poison. The people are poison. The papers I shuffle every day are poison. The computer is poison, the pencils and pens are poison. I'm slowly dying here. Choked out of my ambition and dreams by this stifling atmosphere. Not that this job was my dream, mind you. When I applied as a temp 15 years ago, I think I was still slightly drunk from the night before. I was 19 years old and needed some dollars. I didn't know it would turn into a pseudo career.

The place is okay, as is the job. The people? Generally okay, but really clique-ish. They have a tendency to leave people out of things and not realize they're hurting feelings. Or worse yet, not caring. I guess I was always taught to include people in plans and stuff. You know, if you're making plans with two people and a third person is standing there, either invite them along, or wait and make plans until they can't over hear.

Take today for instance. A couple of weeks ago, I had this great idea for a friend of mine. Her mom's birthday is coming up, and she bought her mom tickets to a concert. (They're both going to go.) I said it would be neat if she could think up a card that hinted at what the present was. They are Neil Diamond tickets (!!) so, I thought, get a picture of a diamond ring, and a picture of someone kneeling, etc. etc. Well, all of a sudden, this girl across from me (the same one who informed me I can't have angst against thin people) shows up today with this elaborate clue card. It's plastered with hints about the present. WOW!!! GOOD FUCKING IDEA!!! So, everyone is fawning over this thing, and I'm sitting there. In the business world you get used to people stealing your ideas and taking the credit. I just can't get used to friends doing it. I didn't say a word. However, I'm good enough to DELIVER it, right? I mentioned I was going that direction this afternoon, and could take it with me. THAT was okay. I did volunteer, but I thought maybe it would be a chance to a) see it, and b) just be included. I haven't even looked at it. Maybe I'll sabotage it. Ha! Just kidding. I'm not like that. Plus, it's not her mom's fault. But, see why I"m poisoned? This is how it goes around here.

Another example. When my dad died, I inherited a bit of money. Not a lot, but some. I had two people here at work who were in dire straits at the time, and one asked me for a loan, and I volunteered to help the other one since she didn't even have $5 to buy a gallon of milk. Long story. Anyway, the money was paid back. That wasn't a problem. I only loaned it to them until we got our bonus (that we no longer get). I'm not saying that they both should have worshipped me after that. But, it seems like I was good enough to be a bank, but not for other things. I don't even talk to one of the girls because she's just poison. She poisons my attitude. She makes me think less of myself, and hey! I'm the only one who's allowed to do that to myself!! She's basically so far up people's butt's she's coming out of their noses. One friend described her one time as trailer trash trying to be a princess. (THAT'S NOT NICE!) She just thinks she's someone she's not, and it bothers me because it affects me. I'm good enough to be a bank and a courier, but that's where it ends? Bullshit. I let myself get walked on and I'm kind of tired of it. I feel just choked. Suffocated. This isn't what I wanted to do my whole life. I should be out helping people. I want to be a social worker or a child's advocate. I want to make a difference in this world, but I'm just not doing that right now.

My bitch session is over. Thanks for listening. I'll be sitting here trying to get my blood pressure down and my self esteem up. Welcome!!